I've been contemplating if i should do a post like this for many reasons. One reason being that i never want my friends to think any less of me. But i've come to a point that maybe this is what my friends should know, then they could understand me a little bit more. Does that make sense?
After looking at peoples' vacation pictures and reading of their many adventures, i some what feel a little sick. Not sick of what i'm seeing or reading. Sick of myself. I'm not jealous of what they have or anything. I'm just made at myself that we couldn't do those things. And i KNOW that it is my fault. I'm probably not the best person to be in charge of finances but my husband has made me in charge....oh what a wrong thing to do. Me and money?....we don't mix well.
I wish that our family can go on vacations too. And the reason that we don't is because i've been neglectful....i've been selfish. Instead of being out there and making some money too so that our family can afford those things. I'm just here, at home and not helping. What is wrong with me? NOTHING! Except that i'm a lazy selfish person. My family is suffering because of me. I feel like a loser once again. I can tell myself over and over again that i'm a good person but i'd be lying to myself.
I wish i could be someone else. Someone who will be better at being me. Because i haven't been a good example even to myself.
I'm sorry to my family. I wish i could be more to them........i wish i could give more. Guess my husband made a mistake. He had everything before he married me... Now he has nothing. I am the bad luck. I'm sorry for all the bad luck i've brought along. I don't want to cry but the tears flow. I'm not trying to make any one feel sorry for me. I want to tell myself that i've been a neglectful mother and wife. I've been a disappointment to the people who matters the most to me. I wish to tell myself that it would be better if i weren't in their lives. But i want to be selfish on this one. I love these people too much to not be a part of their lives. All i'm saying is I need help here. How do i make myself a better person. What can i do so that my family can get that vacation that they deserve? I want them to have the best but they can't have it with me in it.
I hate myself for being me. I wish i was a better person for them.
Doesn't matter. I'm only venting out....i don't even know what i'm doing anymore. Or what my purpose is. Who am i kidding?
And no i'm not trying to get any sympathy from anyone. I'm just merely venting to myself.
I hope someday i will make my family proud. Someday!
1 comment:
Oh, I know how a good venting helps. It's nice to get it out and then it's no longer inside you eating you up. I hope that's the case because that is not something that should be eating you up. Being a full time mom and loving your family day in and day out is way more important than any cool vacation or new toy other families have. It's not selfish at all to give up a job and money so you can be there for your family like you want to. In fact, it's quite the opposite!
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