Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Please stop growing

I remember the joy i had first finding out that i was going to have a child. I had always wanted kids - 4 in fact. I know, what was i thinking?
When i first held my son, i was so happy. I know, i know, every mother feels that way. And if she didn't i feel bad for her. I love my son, actually he was my first love. Not in that gushy mushy love like adults feel for the opposite sex. But that deep down in my soul kind of love. The kind of love i couldn't and wouldn't give away for any amount of money. I wanted the world for him. I wanted him to be everything that he could be. I never wanted him to feel pain. The kind of pain that involves heart break and disappointment. Not the kinds of pain i go through in my life.
Then i had my daughter and i felt exactly the same way except in a much more girly way.
And then came my third and life seemed...complete. I loved them to the extreme depths of the earth, and they didn't even know it.

I only wish for my children to have the kind of love that my parents didn't really show me. I wanted them to know that life is hard, it's never easy but i wanted them to know that if you needed it and wanted it, you'd have to work hard for it.
I wanted to snuggled them up and never let them grow up. And when they started growing up...i wanted to shelter them from the cruel world we now lived in.
But seeing them grow and know this world, i felt heart broken. Heart broken because i knew they'd experience their first heart break, their first real pain.
I only hope it would never come from me. I hope i would never be the one to hurt them, to break their heart over and over again.

But as they got older, that was exactly what was going on. I broke their hearts over and over again. And i wanted them to know, it broke my heart 10x more.
Saying "no" to your kids is possibly the hardest thing, at least for me it is. Because i knew how it felt. I've been said "no" to, too many times.
Every time i wanted that piece of chocolate, "no we don't have money for that". Every time i wanted that $30 shirt, "no it's too expensive."
Yeah it gets old, but i've learned to live with it. We were poor growing up, we didn't have much.
I didn't want my kids to go through that, so when i was a teen before i got married, i vowed i'd never let my kids go through that, i'd do whatever it took to not have them live that childhood i lived.
And they don't get to live the childhood i lived. But i still say no to that $40 shirt. There are limits.
Back to my point. I know i've broken their little hearts many times. I just wish they knew it was hard for me to do it.

My kids were growing at incredible rates - i hated it. But it was precious to see them transform. My babies, my joys were growing older and me? I'm getting older too.
Now that they're older, they want more and need more, it's unavoidable. I understand.
What i want them to know is that, no matter how much they grow, i won't stop saying "no". But it's in good intentions even if they don't think so.
So baby, please don't hate me, please don't despise me, i'm only trying to be a mother. There's a reason why i do the things i do and say the things i say. It's not to hurt you, it's to help you grow and learn.
Please try not to want to grow up so quickly. I know you want to grow and experience things but please go at a slow pace.
If you grow up fast, i grow fast too and pretty soon before you know it. I might not be there to tell you what's right or wrong. And to be honest, i don't know if you care, but lets just assume you do care. I just want to love you for much longer and have you here with me before you go out into the adult world.
I want more time for you to need me, to want me. I NEED more time to tell you what you can't or can do. Because once i can't anymore, my world will be lonely. You will go off into the world while i wait around to see if you will come around to visit or not.
So why not give me that?
Because i've given you everything else. This is all i ask. To just be my baby, my child and NEED me a little longer. That's all i ask.
Please try not to want to grow up so fast.

You don't know how much your mother NEEDS YOU to be a little bit more dependent on her and to give her kisses and hugs and tell her that you love her. Besides, have you told her you love her lately? It would mean the world to her. She doesn't need much really....Not much at all.

I know my kids will hate me on a daily or weekly basis. Boy that breaks my heart but it's a reality. But i still hope that they will understand why i do the things i do...for them.
But breaks my heart so much when i know i've disappointed them or made them mad. It's not a feeling i really like to all!
But what hurts the most is the way your kids talk to you, the hatred in their tones, the disappointment in their faces, the blank stares they give you.
At times i feel like i've failed in every aspect of being a mother, or a wife at that matter. Most days i feel like i've failed in every aspect of my life.
Awful to admit, has a lot to do with how my kids treat me too. How the kids treat me, determines how i feel as a mother.  And truth is, they do treat you like shit sometimes and yes you feel like you want to run away and never come back. And truth is, sometimes it's not because of how you are as a mother either.
Maybe they would be better off without you.
And yes i've thought of it, i probably made my mom feel like that at times. But not a lot though, i know how my childhood was and i was as a teen.
I gave more freedom to my kids than my mother ever did to me. And it was probably a good thing, it shaped me today and i'm glad my mom was so strict on me.
Wish i had a back bone like my mom. But like i said, i didn't want them to feel that isolation i felt.
And yeah, i've thought of it, it probably would serve them better if they lived that kind of life.
All i want is for them to be respectful and understanding and yes they are, most times. But children will be children, i must understand that.

Gosh i wish i knew this feeling i'm having right now. I thought i could write down my emotions and be done with it. But it's killing me to see my kids grow and not always understand me. Hurts worst when they hate you. Ok so they probably don't hate hate me, but you know what i mean.
I just wish they didn't want to grow up so quick.

I don't even know if any mother would understand how i'm feeling right now or even know what i'm talking about.

I just want my children to know that any decision i make and any answer i give them, either they like it or not, i want them to know it's for their best interest. I don't want to deprive them but there are things that need to be set to boundaries and maybe just maybe i want my babies to just be with me for a bit longer and not be grown ups for just one day if i can help it.
That's all i want. Please understand me.

When you become parents, i know you will understand how or what i'm going through right now. I just wish you would understand right now too.
So when i say "no i'll drive you" just let me!
Because you know what?
It'll mean i get to have you with me for a bit longer.
I love you with all my heart. All three of you. And there's nothing you can do about it. So please don't grow up so soon.

No comments: