wishes,prayers,help and venting

I'm not sure what i want to write or say, there's so much going in and out of my head. These pass few days have been draining. Physically and emotionally. I'm not sure how i'd approach it, would it be me just begging for attention or is it that i'm at a place now that i just can't keep it inside anymore? I'm not even sure how to answer that one either.
My heads' a jumble of a mess. So many things running through. How could i have let it get so messed up? Every day i pray to you, GOD, that you would help me be a better person. For myself and for my family. I don't want to be this person anymore. I'm tired of being me, tired of being a waste of time and energy to the people around. How could i just let them down every time? What is wrong with me? Why can't i do anything right?

These emotions come and go and i wonder if it's something inside me. Something deeper, something that is out of my hands? I don't want to admitt but some times i think about it.
Depression is a hard word for me to tell myself. But is it really depression? Or am i just telling myself that just to give myself an excuse? I hate having to feel this way all the time.
I think the problem is ME!!! I'm the problem....has to be. What else would there be? I have the best husband. A man who understands and support everything that i do. Although sometimes i think he'd like to give up but he is still here. He gives his best and tries his hardest to understand.
I have kids who are great! Sure they don't listen sometimes, but all kids are like that. They are overall great kids.
So what the hell is wrong with you NOY??
Get over it, go on with it! What is the big deal?
I wish i knew. I wish i knew what i'm suppose to do. I'm not much of a wife or mother. I can tell myself that i am, but i'd be lying to myself.
I have loads of laundry that i haven't touched in weeks. Some days i don't have dinner ready, most days HE does dinner. My sons' room is still a mess. I was suppose to clean up Naree's room and pull wallpaper so i can paint. Wallpaper is pulled but nothing else is done. My yard looks like shit.
So what? What good have you done Noy? Aren't those things called "wifey things"? Isn't that what mothers are suppose to do? YES!!! But you haven't done those, so what does that make you? NOT A VERY GOOD WIFE OR MOTHER.
Yes i said it. I must admit it. For all the things i try to tell myself that i am a good wife/mother....it still comes back to me not doing my job.
I hope i can find the answer to these things. I hope to be myself again. The girl he married 12 1/2  years ago.
Maybe i'm just mumbling out loud? I'm not sure what i'm doing, putting myself out here like this. It's not begging for attention........it's asking for understanding and acceptance of myself. Is that too hard to ask for?

Please GOD if you can hear me. I'm sure what i'm doing or saying at this point. But all i ask of you is to HELP me be a better person. That's all i ask of you. I know it has to start within myself but at this point i need your guidance. I don't think i can do this myself anymore. I need your help, your guidance. Please spare this mother and wife and please bring her back to her family so that they will enjoy her more and maybe, just maybe SHE will enjoy being herself again.
Amen!